i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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