shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
