More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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