I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
