Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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