My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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