Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
