I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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