I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
