she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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