The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
