thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
