The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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