So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
