watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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