I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
