So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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