I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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