i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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