It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
