the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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