a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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