My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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