I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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