Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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