As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
