Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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