Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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