I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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