I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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