Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
