this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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