yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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