tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
