Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
