When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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