If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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