I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
