I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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