theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
