he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
