Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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