now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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