Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
