I just pynch a tree in the face
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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