She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
