This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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