How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Michael Bay diarrhea
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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