So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
