I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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