I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
