The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
