First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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