I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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