can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
