That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
