What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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