If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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